New York

I'm off to New York for a few days. More posts to come probably on Monday.

There Is A God

If there is one thing that can prove to me that there is a god, it'll be if Heidi Montag and Spence Pratt NEVER reproduce. Oddly enough it seems like God might have gotten his hands on Spencer's tiny little brain because he is refusing to have children with Heidi.

Speaking to the New York Post's PopWrap on Tuesday, Pratt, 26, says that he's tried to prevent Montag, 23, from realizing her dreams of becoming a young mother – by refusing her sex. "I'm not even kidding, my wife – OK, I'm gonna get crass here – but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby," he says. "That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding – my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts." Behind his abstinence is his fear that Montag might go off her birth control without telling him, he says. (Full Story on people.com)

Redeem yourself Spencer. Never, ever reproduce with Heidi and not only will I believe in God but I'll buy your rap album, donate money to the Republican party and continue calling Lauren Conrad "Beef Lips".

Image from - http://www.realitytvscoop.com/images/gallery/speidi.jpg

The Original Jon Gosselin

Every time I read about one of Jon Gosselin's whores getting jealous of one of his other ho-bags, one thought always comes to mind- WHO THE FUCK IS WILLINGLY BANGING BITCH-TITS AND WHY?!?! I mean, this is a question that baffles all of America (including Kate Gosselin - hinesight is 20/20). Who?!?! Why?!?! Eww!!! But, I completely forgot that America has faced a similar mind-bending question with the Jon Gosselin of the 90's - Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows.

I hate to even compare Adam and Jon because Adam is the real deal. His fugly ass has porked Courtney Cox, Jennifer Anniston, Mary-Louise Park, Winona Ryder and apparently now he is doing the nasty with Emmy Rossum.

He is living Jon's jerk-off fantasies by consistenly banging successful and rich actress instead of wannabe star-fucker sluts.WTF? Seriously! Ladies - do their dicks make you lose five lbs because LOOK AT THEM! Man boobs - check; bad hair - check; creepy looking - check; resembles a pregnant woman - check. The only person that can solve this mystery is LaToya Jackson. If she can figure out that Michael's death wasn't from natural causes, there isn't any case she can't crack.

Image from - www.lmkmedia.com/.../assets/1588347.jpg

I Hate My Job - Another Asshole Boss Story

My friend emailed me this story today and it seems to fit in with the theme of this blog - my jobs blows more than Amy Winehouse snorts coke and my boss is a real prick who I want to see clean up a pigsty with a toothbrush:

So at my work, the assistants try to do things to boost morale in a place where your boss is surprised by your ability to hole punch documents, lock you out of their office and then call you a retard for not being able to open the door. One day the assistants had a “Bring in Your Favorite Childhood Cereal Buffet.” There were Trix, Cocoa Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, and Lucky Charms. A couple days after the Cereal Buffet, around 7pm my boss had asked me to fetch him coffee and a cookie of some sort. Unfortunately, in the area where I work, most places close at 6pm and I refuse to walk the 6 blocks to Starbucks for him. I came back to the office and told him that no store was open where I could get him coffee. He gave me money for the vending machine to get him cookies. Way to go company, vending machine was broken. (I am surprised we still have electricity.) Anyway, I had to come back and tell him that it was broken. He told me to make him a fresh pot of coffee. Anyone else I would tell not to drink our coffee because I don’t think you should be able to smell the water used for brewing. He then told me that he needed something to eat. I offered him my Koshi cereal and English Muffins. No he said, "I wanted something unhealthy". Bingo, Cereal Buffet! I came up to his office door holding the box of Trix and Cocoa Pebbles. He pointed to the Trix and asked me to put it in a cup for him with a spoon. Does baby want some milk with that too? More importantly, he was acting like he was 5 and that was the last of the Trix THAT I BOUGHT. Bitch.

Fucking, why don't you breast feed him while you're at it? What an asshole.

Mel Gibson Has Boozed Himself Onto the Short Bus

Mel Gibson has boozed himself stupid judging by this picture. I guess Yom Kippur was a bad day for him and his constant companion - The Anti Semitic Beaver!

photo from - http://dlisted.com/node/34110

Another Reason To Off Myself

Apparently whoring yourself out on MTV is good business. According to Nicole LaPorte from "The Daily Beast" the cast of the Hills make fuck-loads of money for doing absolutley nothing.

Kristen Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year) [...] but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren “Lo” Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, [...] he takes in $45,000. (See The Daily Beast for full post)

FUCK!!!!!!!!! Had I known that being a vapid anorexic on MTV could make me that kind of money, I probably would have told my first grade teacher to suck it when she suggested I become a doctor or a nurse. I don't even make $30,000 year and these bitches can make that in a matter of hours. Let me just pull the blades out of my razors, sharpen them up so I can drag them across my wrists because I'm tried of telling my coworkers how to refill the printer with paper and where we "hide" the diet coke - SURPRISE, it's the fridge!

Photo from - www.theinsider.com

Private Schools - Training the Finest Sluts Around

There is a major problem currently plaguing New Jersey's Milburn Highschool, one of the top schools in the nation. Parents and administrators are trying to figure out what to do about a decade-long tradition called "The Slut List." Every year, a group of popular senior girls create a list of the biggest sluts of the incoming freshman class along with creative descriptions next to their names. "I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you drugs for free if you get with me." "Keeping up with the family tradition, fuck me...and knock me up." In addition to the slut list, girls also slap stickers on the backs of freshmen with words like "SLUT" and "WHORE" written on them. An email has already gone out warning students that if found, the slut-makers responsible for the list will be punished. (Full Story on dlisted.com)

*Sigh, private school kids. They are definitely their own breed and while they brag about having talented teachers, one computer per student, lower student teacher ratios, better athletics and more expensive cars in their parking lot, I guess they forgot to mention their slut lists. Maybe it just sounds too public school without giving the slut list its proper context; a bunch of rich and spoiled girls are so bored with accessorizing their designer outfits and cutting the kilo of coke their parents got them for their half birthdays, they decided to come up with some weak-ass rhymes about their classmates. Awesome. Glad to see that the 50Gs their parents pay ever term really enriches their education. I can barely read and I definitely can’t add or subtract but y’all stupid bitches can suck on my nut sack! *JIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Unfortunately, since I went to public school from kindergarten through college, I still haven’t learn if balls come with the vag or come with the peen. Sex education got cut right after the art and music programs. Fuck, does anyone know the answer? I’m not even sure if I’m a man or a woman.

Full Post - http://dlisted.com/node/34024

90 Days Will Prove You're Still Douche

Bitch-tits Jon Gosselin is my favorite "celebrity" to make fun of because it's like he goes out of his way to make people hate him. Well it looks like Bitch-Tits has finally taken his head out of his own cleavage:

When Jon Gosselin heard that his estranged wife, Kate, had a breakdown during the taping of a TV pilot in September, he knew he was responsible for her suffering. "He woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and didn't like the reflection," Jon's attorney, Mark Jay Heller, tells In Touch. "He realized he'd made some bad choices." Jon and Kate were due to be officially divorced by the end of November -- but now he claims he's had a serious change of heart. "I regret my conduct since Kate and I separated [on June 22]," Jon tells In Touch exclusively. "I used poor judgment in publicly socializing with other women so soon."

Shockingly, today, Jon submitted a document to a Pennsylvania court-approved arbitrator, which he hopes will suspend his split with Kate for 90 days. He explains, "This will enable Kate and me to restore our relationship as cooperative parents and to open up our lines of communication. I hope that she will be as receptive and enthusiastic as I am to do what is best for our family." He also pleaded with her to set aside their anger so they can start interacting amicably. "I would like to get back with Kate as a partner in parenting," Jon tells In Touch. "Even though we were heading for a divorce, it appeared that Kate had been suffering from this divorce as much as I had. That's why I asked my attorney to put the brakes on this divorce so I could try to regain control over the future of our family. So Kate and I could join on a cooperative course that would benefit our family -- not destroy it."

He doesn't recognize himself in the mirror because of the extra 30 lbs he is carrying in his man-bra. Shit, he isn't even recognizable as a man anymore. His side profile looks like fucking Bitch Face Kate, seven months pregnant with chesticles the size of watermelons.

Unlike Jon, Bitch Face has found a way to sell her soul AND make money. (Come on, Jon, play like a champion!) Jon's only concern is money and Kate is the only bitch he knows with any of it. He's really trying to put everything aside and think of his future and his family's future. I mean, those fashionable Ed Hardy shirts, his daily blowjobs and the diamond earrings from Claire's don't come cheap and he NEEDS those things to be a good father for his children. Those kids are fortune to have parents like Bitch Tits and Bitch Face because their children need role models and if they can't learn how to abandon their responsibilities, cheat on their spouses and how to sacrifice the well being of small children to make a quick buck from their parents, where are they going to learn it?

Full Post - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/29/jon-gosselin-suspends-div_n_303009.html

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/29/jon-gosselin-suspends-div_n_303009.html

The Office Poop League - Prelude

Today was the day. I woke up, miserable as always, and decided that the only way I could survive another day of my fucking horrible life was to start a shitty blog. I have zero training as a writer, I can barely read, I can't spell worth a damn and the shit I'm going to post here is going to be bitter, mildly offensive and overall pointless.

I find the work that I do either bores me to death or blackens my soul. I spend an embarrassing amount of time reading about celebrities on gossip websites to piss away most of my day. It's ironic because I fucking hate celebrities. I work with them on a daily basis and for the most part, they're dumb as a rock, arrogant, totally self involved, and I hope most of them get punched in their fake noses. However, if they help me pass the time and I can help manage my overall misery by making fun of them, then dance monkeys, dance! So that's the point of my blog - making fun of celebrities makes my life a little less miserable. It's cheaper than keeping up my addiction to pills and all the boozing is turning my skin gray.

I warn the two or maybe three losers that are reading my fucked up blog, I'm miserable, I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm politically incorrect and the nonsense I write about celebrities will come ringing through loud and clear. So in the name of self-preservation, let's bash some celebrities! Oh and I don't have any friends....I need a fucking hug.