Thanksgiving

Like most Americans, I'm eating my weight in fatty foods the rest of this week. I'm just waiting for my boss to let me leave so that I can make the eight hour drive home. Man, having me stick around when no one is calling and there is nothing to do is just amazing. Fucker.

Anyway, have a great Thanksgiving and I'll be back to bitch on Monday.

Call 'Em Like You See 'Em

I love Italy, I love really Italians and pretty much everything they do except for their blatant disregard for great television.

A national Italian-American organization based in New Jersey says an MTV reality show that depicts Italian-American beachgoers as the "hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos" is offensive and should be scrapped before it airs. UNICO National said Tuesday that "Jersey Shore" relies on crude stereotypes and highlights cursing, bad behavior and violence in depicting renters at a New Jersey beach house.

Isn't the Jersey Shore actually filled with beef-cakes, hair gel and manicured eyebrows on dudes? Obviously, the Italian culture is more than greased hair and all that other shit but all that bullshit is the heart and soul of the Jersey Show but I'm pretty sure this TV show is more about Jersey and less about Italy. A few of my friends went there this past summer and they call came back with alcohol poisoning, at least one STD and dried hair gel caked on all their going-out clothes. That's what the Jersey Shore is about and I bet that show is going to hit the nail on the head when it comes to showing one facet of Jersey (not Italian) living. Besides, anyone that looks to MTV to accurately and thoroughly depict an entire culture is probably trying to implement Ms. South Carolina's plan about getting all those maps shipped to Africa, the country, so that we can help them like we did with "the Iraq". For those of you that don't get that reference, "Jersey Shore" is going to be the show for you.


Article from - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/24/italian-americans-protest_n_369482.html
Picture from - http://www.nj.com/entertainment/celebrities/index.ssf/2009/11/jersey_shore_offends_italian-a.html

This Is A Mistake

I'm calling it now, this is a horrible idea. No one really cares how many times Britney gets married or divorced because we all expect that number to be extremely high. What the human race at large is concerned about is the possibility of her having more children. That can't happen. Her vag is rotted out like the Grand Canyon - dry, vast and it can be seen from space. Look, even one of the effeminate looking sons is gagging just thinking about his 9 month prison sentence in there. I motion for sterilization.

Picture from - http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/11/britney-is-getting-married-again/

I've Stopped Shitting My Pants!

Guess someone finally learned to stop shitting his pants and it only took 30 + years. *Big boy clap! Some might say that's sad but learning how to wax your chest and pluck your eyebrows is so much important. That why Mario is where he is today - he has his priorities.

Picture from - http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20322190,00.html#20708526

The AMAs Continued - Romance by Adam Lambert

For all those boys out there wondering how to get that special some one to kiss you, please pull an "Adam Lambert" - catching them off guard and then try sucking their face off. Also, it's important to note that "no" means "yes".

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/2009_american_music_awards_red_carpet_moments_performances_and_award_winners/2009_american_music_awards_red_carpet_moments_performances_and_award_winners.html

The 2009 AMA Awards - The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

The good, the bad and the ugly of last night's AMAs were Adam Lambert and Jennifer Lopez's performances. Good because they both fell, the bad because they're both annoying as fuck and ugly because they both looked as good as sewer water. J.Lo is obnoxious and so self-entitled. Her songs suck and the only time I've ever been entertained by her is when she's fucking up or looking ridiculous. Well, well, well, consider me entertained this past weekend by watching her fall flat on her ass during her comeback AMAs performance. That's what she gets for wearing those stupid shoes. Apparently the Jennys from her block are stupid as fuck for jumping off some guys back wearing shitty shoes with an ass like that. She's just asking for shattered ankles.

Adam Lambert is even worse. The bleeding/suffering artist went up there and engaged in some sexually explicit movements all for the sake of his art. Ah! The sacrifices and the dedication of a true and inspired artists. I know Ron Jeremy was tortured with the beauty of his craft in much the same way. Having a dick that big is not something you ask for but when you're blessed with the ability to perform, you owe it to yourself to share your gift. Watching Adam shoves some one's face in your crotch and thrusting must have been what it was like to watching Monet paint. If only those mindless minions could understand the power behind crotch thrusting. I feel for you, Adam, you're being criticized unfairly but just continue to simulate fellatio in your performances; your the Picasso of your day.

Article and picture from - http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/music/2009/11/23/2009-11-23_adam_lambert_ama_performance_why_he_struck_a_nerve_where_madonna_britney_didnt.html

Oh Damn It!

Oh fuck, J. Lo is back. I thought that since she got fat and had kids, I wouldn't have to ever see her again because Hollywood hates fat people but noooooooooooo. Fucking J.Lo picks out the most annoying outfit which is a mix between those famous people that dress like they are on acid because it's "fashionable", women that dress like children and a fat kid pretending to be a ballerina. Go away already!

Picture from - http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20321362,00.html

Tan Much?

Marissa Miller put on multiple coats of the fake tanner shit she got from the set of "Dancing With The Stars" for the Victoria Secret fashion show. I bet if you rolled her around in white sheets it would look like she had explosive diarrhea in the middle of the night. Lingerie and smeared poop, now that's sexy and that's what VS does best. Nicely done.


Picture from - http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/11/marisa-miller-is-more-like-it/

Why Does This Not Surprise Me

Miley Cyrus is 17 going on drunken cougar. Surprise, surprise, Miley dressed up like a prostitute for her birthday party according to the NY Post.

Miley Cyrus dressed as Julia Roberts "Pretty Woman" hooker character for an '80s party to celebrate her 17th birthday Wednesday night. The teen star -- recently criticized for pole dancing at the Teen Choice Awards -- donned the sexy outfit and danced the night away at the Canal Room on West Broadway.

Her parents are unbelievable! This isn't the trailer park, they don't have to pimp out their most eligible daughter to make enough money for meth and food. I don't even blame Miley for being slutty because that's what teenage girls do. I blame her trashy parents who probably figured "Well, jelly golly, we've been pimping out that there young girl for her whole life. Shucks, I guess there ain't no harm in letting her dress up like that Pretty Woman we done seen on that there magical box with them puppets that jump around more than a Mexican jumping at the frying pit."

Story from - http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/miley_rocks_out_fNnLgeT8izzmmmIrEYqsqL Pictures from - http://omgcelebritynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/Miley-Cyrus-Grinds-The-Stripper-Pole.jpg

Guess This Means Back to the Bulimia

Heidi Klum hosted the annual Victoria Secret fashion show last night in NY. Damn! She literally just pushed a 7 lb parasite out of her vagina 6 weeks ago and she already looks like it never happened. I know for sure that she was in better shape while pregnant than I am now. Fuck! Germany must have succeed with some of their weird science experiments during the war because Heidi's body is physically incapable of let itself get out of shape. Efficiency! Diligence! Steel! I'm screwed because I'm American and my body can't function unless I load it up with a bunch of lard, oil and butter three times a day. I'm like driving Paula Dean's butter truck to the butter factory while Heidi is driving her BMW to an Iron Man competition after eating only veggies and the elixir of life that Sean Connery in Indian Jones.

Picture from - http://www.peoplestylewatch.com/people/stylewatch/gallery/0,,20320202,00.html#20707447

The Nuns Are Taking Over the Internet

I keep seeing these photos of Claire Danes at the premiere of the "Me & Orson Wells" with a "censor" box over her breasts. Of course I figure, breast implants gone horribly wrong exposing her mangled fun-bags. That seemed like the only possible reason for censoring breasts. I finally found an uncensored picture and now it seems apparent that the nuns are getting into the gossip blog business because you can barely see anything. You can see one of her nipples is slightly hard but fuck, my coworkers get that view every day. I work in an office of only men and they blast the AC so my nipples are razor sharp by 10 in the morning. I blame the nuns and their call for modesty. They must be stopped! If I can't see a celebrity embarrassing themselves, then I shall know the true meaning of poor. A curse on thine cruel world; though shalt give me my fun-bags!

Picture from - http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/11/claire-danes-has-changed/

The Kerrys Just Disappoint

I'll admit, I didn't vote for Kerry for President. I can't fucking stand Bush and he fucked up so bad his first term that I didn't think it was possible for him to win his second term. I almost shit myself when Kerry lost. Fucking idiot! How could he lose?!?!?! Well thankfully his legacy of disappointment and general bewilderment has passed on to his daughter Alexandra.

Senator John Kerry's daughter Alexandra was arrested on suspicion of DUI early Thursday morning in Los Angeles, police say.(sic) Kerry, 36, who works as a film director/producer, was arrested shortly after midnight and released at 5:25 a.m. after posting $5,000 bail, police records show.

How does that happen? She's fucking 36 years old, she's the daughter of a politician and she's an heiress? Jesus, just another example of the Kerry clan not knowing the right people and completely squandering their resources. The entire Bush family has gotten out of some pretty serious shit. Fucking look at the Kennedy family! Ted got off for murder and he was celebrate as a motherfucking hero when he died. HE FUCKING KILLED A GIRL AND TOOK A NAP DIRECTLY AFTER IT HAPPENED AND HE'S A NATIONAL HERO! How can the Kennedy pull that kind of magic out of their asses but Kerry can't get is daughter off for a DUI?

I've found a new level of disappointment with the Kerry's. They can't win a fucking election that should have been in the bag and they can't even cover up a family scandal properly. I guess I was wrong, John Kerry, you definitely aren't presidential material.


Article from - http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20321196,00.html
Picture from - http://images.broadwayworld.com/upload/27476/tn-500_kerry_wm697147993.jpg

"Levi Johnston Doesn't Fly Coach"

Finally! Something to write about. Two things - I started reading the NY Post this morning when I was immediately attracted to a headline that read "Levi Johnston Doesn't Fly Coach". Cue the hillarity.

[Levi] was spotted Tuesday at JFK wearing sunglasses and refusing to stand on line with the "regular" passengers, including "Seinfeld" star Jason Alexander. A spy on his American Airlines flight told Page Six: "He then made a big show of getting on first. He was seated in the front row of first class, looking like he was born to be there and waiting for some recognition. Jason Alexander was quietly sitting behind him."

Basically, Levi is known for two things - impregnating a 16 year old and posing for Playgirl. Fuck, if that's all it takes to fly first class then make room priority boarding because I take birth control and I've taken pictures in a bikini before! Wooo hoooo undeserving self entitlement!

Second, I found a picture of him from the airport and I just want to say -I told you so. Levi looks the EXACT same as he did before eating all that moose meat. I literally don't see an ounce of difference based on this photo so I guess all that time throwing dumb-bells at moose didn't exactly payoff so shut up already. You're not famous, you're still bloated, you've done nothing of significance and you didn't even man-up enough to take your clothes off LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD. Stop being a douche and keep it zipped up all the back in coach where you belong.

Pictures from - http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20321018,00.html#20706619
Article from - http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/prima_donna_hxaoUI2oVf1MVT8V0CseeP

Eating Moose Meat Pays Off

Above is part of Levi Johnston's spread in Playgirl. All I've been reading about his how much he's been working out and how he has been eating nothing but moose meat to get ripped for his photo shoot. I call it now, he isn't any more ripped than when he was campaigning with the Palin fuck-tards. Why would you realize a picture that doesn't show your stomach or your pecks if you got buffed-out? Shit, if I ever get in shape, I'm walking around in a bikini non-fucking-stop and screaming "look at me, look at me!" I'd show up to the Obama's 20 year commitment ceremony in nothing more than a bikini tuxedo so I could show off my body while keeping up the appropriate level of decorum. Levi is being like one of those religious promising ring girls and not giving up the goods. I smell love-handles.

Picture from - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/17/levi-johnston-playgirl-ph_n_360730.html

Lindsay Wipes Her Ass with Money, Here Comes A Pultizer For Fox

Or at least that's what Lindsay Lohan would like you to believe. Lohan stopped by a clothing line opening at Kitson last week and aside from getting paid to show up, she also got a $500 store credit. I guess that wasn't good enough bargained her way up to a $2,000 store credit but decided, "fuck, I can spend that much money on two lines so I'm gonna take $15,000 worth of shit"!

Last week Pop Tarts reported that the troubled Tinseltowner attempted to pawn an expensive bottle of champagne onto Kellan Lutz’s card at Crown Bar, but now she’s taken it a step further and tried to scam $15,000 worth of free clothes and accessories.

None of this behavior is surprising at all, bitch needs to be put down like Old Yeller with a full-blown case of rabies. The BEST part of this article is apparently Lindsay tried to justify getting all the free crap by claiming she was the only celebrity at the store but oh wait, leave it Fox News for that hard-hitting journalism.

But when told she had exceeded her limit quite significantly, Lohan responded that “Pascal would take care of it because I’m the only celebrity here.”

(FYI not true – Dupri himself was there along with Bridget Marquardt and “Real Housewife” Gretchen Rossi)

Bridget Marquardt and Gretchen Rossi are reality tv ho-bags and definitely not celebrities but good job Fox News, way to incorporate the details that matter. I guess this isn't surprising either since they fucking sacrifice virgin pigs to Anne Colture. I can't wait until the next big election because if Fox can label Gretch and Bridget as bona-fide celebrities, then I know I can depend on them for reliable and accurate news.

Article from- http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2009/11/16/exclusive-lindsay-lohan-throws-massive-temper-tantrum/

Picture from - http://bougies.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/lindsay-lohan-drunk-22.jpg

A Formidable Enemy

I use think the people that started the whole "Save Katie Holmes" movement were a bunch of losers who's loved ones disappeared after joining Scientology because they just didn't like them. Apparently not. JESUS! Katie Holmes looks like she has been beaten in the face with a boxing glove covered in ugly juice. Her eyes are as droopy as Octomom's vagina and she isn't even that old. She's maybe 30 and Cloris Leachman's old ass puts her to shame. You may have won the battle Scientology but you won't win the war. I've invested too much money in eye cream to fall prey to your tricks.

Picture from - http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/11/katie-holmes-is-a-natural-beauty/

The Real Benjamin Button

Bronx looks like the real-life Benjamin Button mixed with Ian McKellen. Pete and Ashlee have some shitty genes.

Pictures - http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20319519,00.html#20703751

This Is Going To Get Awkward

Doesn't matter who you are in Hollywood, if you're famous and you get married, you're going to get divorced. Look at Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman or Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston. I would have bet my left and right ovaries that those two couples would have made it. Ah! I'm still dealing with issues of abandonment and my inability to commit at therapy because of them. Anyway, Ellen and Portia were on Oprah talking about how they are going to be together forever.

"Anybody who's married knows there is a difference," said Ellen. "It feels like you're home. There's an anchor, there's a safety. I'm going to be with her until the day I die and I know that."

That's going to get extremely awkward when they get divorced and both of them are still alive. I hope Ellen doesn't feel the need to off-herself because who is going to fill my afternoons with awkward dancing and butchy lez hair cuts? Think of Kate Gosselin, where is she going to get the inspiration to make butchy haircuts "stylish" for straight soccer moms? My advice for Ellen is go to down on Oprah (the Big O hasn't gotten any since she stopped seeing Gayle) and beg her to reserve time so she can take that statement back. Oprah's vajayjay is Ellen's only hope to survive.

Picture from - http://www.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,,6919087,00.jpg
Story from - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/09/ellen-degeneres-im-going_n_351395.html

This Could Have Gone Horribly Wrong

Last night, John Travolta and his wife Kelly walked the red carpet with their daughter Ella Bleu for the "Old Dogs" premiere. I have seen hundreds of photos of the late Jett Travolta but I never knew they had a daughter. John is pretty fat with very distinct features shall we say so thank god they didn't have two daughters. Boys get a lot of leeway when it comes to personal appearance but think of having a girl with a whole-lotta-John in her. Not a good scene. Thankfully, Ella is actually pretty. She does look exactly like her dad, extra lbs and all, but I hold out hope that she'll be worth of gracing the cover of Playboy in her near future. With hard work, low self-esteem and an eating disorder, anything is possible. Remember that kids.

Picture - http://perezhilton.com/2009-11-10-the-travolta-family-walks-the-red-carpet

Does That Shit Get You High?

Sarah Jessica Parker loves the smell of her diapers. Um, what?!?!?!

SJP told Elle magazine that "I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they're wet and you smell them all warm liked a baked good. I love the smell of Balmex. Love it."

I'm the youngest (and cutest) of my family so I'm not use to being around babies and I have NEVER changed a dirty diaper so I don't know what one smells like. I could maybe understand someone saying "I love the smell of a new diaper because it reminds me of a time before my uterus started rotting and I could still have bastards children." That makes sense. A wet and warm diapers sound like the most disgusting thing I can thing of this morning. Wet equals moldy and warm equals crap that's been baking in the direct sun, on the dashboard of your car, with the windows rolled up. The only reason why I can think that someone would love the smell of a wet and warm diaper is that it must get you high as shit. That's got to be the ONLY reason. I mean look at her, she's so high her eyes can barely focus and she's a second away from saying "dude". I could totally picture how her getting her fix goes down - A stick thin SJP dressed up in her bedazzled trash bag with her 6'' stilettos sniffing diapers and screaming:

"I NEED ANOTHER HIT! SHIT YOU LITTLE FUCKERS, SHIT!"

Yeah, that's got to be it.

Article - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/06/sarah-jessica-parker-expl_n_348632.html Picture - http://www.accesshollywood.com/content/images/69/originals/69377_video-253224-sarah-jessica-parker-on-square-pegs.jpg

The Most Unshocking "Scandal"

I've never been to Australia and all the Australians I've met were really cool but the country's Britney Spears fans are fucking idiots.

Australian critics have called her show “boring and stiff”, and there are reports of fans walking out as early as the third song. In their reporting, Perth Now claimed “hundreds of fans stormed out” of the Friday concert. One fan, 22-year-old Amanda Hawlet put it bluntly: “I want my money back or I want her to sing properly. The ticket cost me $200 and she lip-synced the whole thing.”

Sing properly? Are you fucking mentally challenged or have you just been living under a rock? Britney Spears can't sing "properly" which is why she lip-syncs the ENTIRE show. Maybe they've been kicked in the head by a kangaroo too many times because even Britney's circus monkeys know that shit ain't live. Or, maybe they're suicidal because they want to hear Britney Spears sing live over an intense sound system with a limited number of exits. Those fucking kangaroos have driven them to their breaking point! That's not the answer MAN! There's always a way out!

Article from - http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/11/australia-really-hates-britney-not-because-of-that-shirt-though/ Picture - http://static.airamerica.com/imagecache/uploads/britney__display.jpg

The Strength of 10 Junkies!

Lindsay Lohan and her family never fail to entertain. Michael Lohan released another taped conversation of Dina describing what it was like to get Lindsay into rehab.

"You don't even know what I'd go through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff. She'd like, punch me in the face, kick me out of the car...like you don't know the (expletive) I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult."

Bam! That's your first dose of awesome this morning. Judging by this photo, looks like Lindsay is fucking the next Tyson because that punch left a few marks and a definite dent. Maybe it's all of Dina's plastic surgery and it's kind of like pudy; you can kind of change it's shape and move it around with a good amount of brut force. I know Lindsay looks all skinny, puffy, strung out and sometimes like a tranny but man, I totally under estimated her physicality when she's coming down! Well play sir, well played.

Picture - http://cm1.theinsider.com/media/0/33/51/Dina_and_Lindsay_Lohan.0.0.0x0.395x594.jpeg
Article - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/05/dina-lohan-i-tried-to-mak_n_346793.html

Holster That Weapon!

This is another example of shit celebrities do that bugs the shit out of me. I don't care that they're famous, I don't want to see their or ANY ONE'S milk junks or golf-ball-ass swaying openly in the wind. Aside from obliterating my appetite and making me afraid to eat, seeing Mariah's side boob in no way positively adds to my day. Put it away, asshole. When the time comes for WWIII, that will be the appropriate instance to unleash that caliber of weapon upon our enemies. They will be too weak from not eating and victory shall be our's!

Picture from - http://thesuperficial.com/2009/11/mariah_carey_hates_your_eyes.php?bfm_index=5&bfm_page=0

Motivation Hard At Work

This is the greatest story I've read all morning. I'm training some fucking chimp-like interns to learn how to make copies so I'm a little behind but still doesn't take away from the story.

An Edgewater man has admitted to stabbing himself in the leg Monday night because he didn't want to go to work.

(sic) He claimed that three skinheads or Hispanic males dressed in black tried to rob him and stabbed him in the lower left leg. (sic) Investigators reviewed surveillance video taken at a nearby business that failed to show an attack where Siebers claimed it had happened. (sic) At that point, Siebers confessed and told them he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, said the police spokesman.

How fucking lazy of a person do you have to willingly stab yourself in the leg just to get out of work? Actually when I read this, I got the impression that this guy was high as shit and he was using some weed-logic to solve his problem. Think about it, he works at Blockbuster for a living, total stoner. It kind of reminded me of the one time when I was high as shit and I wanted some cereal but there were no clean spoons. Instead of just fucking washing one, I used some weed-logic and decided to use a ladle. I was so stoked because I felt like I was cheating the system but weed-logic didn't take into consideration that ladles are used to poor a significant amount of liquid in large bowls as soon as you tilt them. Pouring liquid is what they're designed to do. Weed-logic also didn't give me a quick way to wash my shirt and clean the kitchen floor after so I really just should have washed a fucking spoon. I will, however, give Blockbuster man some points for personal style, flare and originality so he ends up the winner of the weed-logic chronicles.

Story from - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/03/aaron-seibers-stabs-himse_n_344142.html
Picture from - http://static.myce.com/images_posts/2009/09/blockbuster-ray-and-carl.jpg

Doesn't Count

Meb Keflezighi was the winner of this year's NY City marathon and people are making a big fucking deal about it because he is the first American to win since 1982. My first thought was - An American, winning a long distance race against runners from multiple African nations.....no fucking way! Guess it's no surprise that I'm a genuis and fucking called that shit because he's not exactly an American.

According to the NY Times he was born an "child immigrant from war-torn Eritrea, and one of 11 siblings in a village with no electricity".

Yeah, no, that doesn't count. Fuck, America is so fucking fat and lazy that we have to offer citizenship to immigrants that can't gain more than 5 lbs because they were starved for the first 15 years of their life in order to win that race. Jesus! It's not even some exotic foreign sport with a ball or bat that needs amazing eye-hand coordination, it's fucking running. Meb is definitely an American but his victory doesn't count as a win for America.

Article and Pictures - http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/02/sports/02men.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Meb%20Keflezighi&st=cse