When I was in elementary school, our teachers use to give us those orange UNICEF boxes to take trick-or-treating with us. The idea was to collect people's spare change and then the school as a whole would donate that money to UNICEF to get kids around the world water, food, clothes and health care.
My life is all kinds of shitty, I'm miserable, I've gained weight and I rarely get laid so I thought, I'll try and turn it around by collecting spare change just like I did in elementary school. I put a bowl of candy on my desk and next to it I put an empty can and attached the UNICEF label you can print online (I was also trying to be green by not ordering the orange boxes, double pat on the back).
Since the people I work with are soulless motherfuckers, I put in like two dollars of my own money just to encourage the ingrates to donate. By the end of the day, I got my big boss to donate a dollar in exchange for one fun size pack of peanut M&M's and the jar was looking pretty healthy. I have to admit that I was pretty proud. I left work feeling like I was doing something positive that could turn out to be a small step in turning my life around.
I come in to work and THE FUCKING UNICEF JAR WAS MOTHER FUCKING GONE! SOMEONE STOLE MY GODDAMN UNICEF JAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I looked high and low and asked my coworkers and no one has seen it. This is what I can figure - either some cunt-face douche bag that dreams of giving Osama a rim job took it or my bosses decided that collecting spare change for starving kids in third world countries is against company policy and decided to take it after I left.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??!? Not only is it bad enough that I have to put in my own money and pretend like others have donate just to encourage the fat-asses that raid my candy jar to do the same, but I can't trust where I work enough to leave a jar of $3 on my desk without it going missing. THIS MONEY IS FOR CHARITY!
Rant Option #1 - To the person that might have stole the money
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO BUY IN AMERICA WITH THREE DOLLARS? Apparently it only takes 6 cents for UNICEF to provide one child clean water for the day so that three three dollars you stole could have given 50 kids clean water. Judging by the fact that my candy is almost gone, I'm assuming that you'll be using that money for three, one dollar big macs from McDonald's. I hope you choke on that meat paddy and then ask a kid of a glass of water to try and clear the hunk of horse meat (yeah, that ain't coming from a cow). In your last moments, I hope that kid looks you directly in the eye and says "No" and you go straight to a hell filled with sand, no water and David Archuleta's new CD plays on a continuous loop.
Rant Option #2 - Just in case it wasn't stolen and it was taken by one of my boss
Seriously? I can't collect the spare change that will probably fall out of your pocket and get lodged in your BMW seat cusion? Interesting. So how is that any different than you shoving your kid's Innisbrook Holiday catalogue in my face pressuring me to buy something to send your kid to Disneyland....oh I mean....raise money for their school? I guess Disneyland...oh I mean....raising money for a school filled with rich, snobby, future pricks and bitchs is more important than giving a couple bucks to kids who probably don't know what fresh water tastes like. Interesting. I hate you, you're balding and your BMW is sooooooooo last year.
Picture from - http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e7Ydw6HNebQ/SQpW9y8qPDI/AAAAAAAAAAM/ashqK6v3RRM/s320/unicefBox.jpg
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