How My Office Is Dealing With Swine Flu

Yesterday, one of my coworkers comes up to my desk and tosses a NY Times article on my desk and says, "Can you read this and tell me what it says"? First of all this coworker, Sally, isn't my boss and has the body of Nicole Richie circa her skeletal stage. She is nearly 6 feet tall, probably 115 lbs, six months pregnant, talks in a super high voice only because she thinks it's sexy and has yet to shake hands with common sense. She's kind of a tragic figure because she's actually pretty nice but no one in the office takes her seriously and the father of her child, her boyfriend of four years, is a complete asshole that refuses to acknowledge she's pregnant and bitches every time she even mentions the baby.

On one level, I don't blame the guy because I wouldn’t want to be around her, but he's an idiot because this was definitely a planned pregnancy. It's like North Korea testing nuclear weapons or Jon Gosselin fucking younger women after his divorce. Right or wrong they knew that if they did that shit, America would be all up in their faces giving them hell.

But I digress, so Sally throws this NY Times article on my desk and I end up reading it because that's easier than explaining to her that she does have an assistant and he sits right next to me. The article ends up being about a pregnant woman that catches swine flu, is in a five week coma, losses her pregnancy and ultimately almost dies.

Side note - swine flu will kick the shit out of you if you're pregnant so get it checked out if you start feeling sick.

She comes back by my desk a few hours later and says in her super high voice "So, what's the article about". Now, before I answered her, I noticed her eyes. Sally has these big brown cow-like eyes that are full of hope and optimism. Maybe her eyes are that large because she goes through life completely oblivious, just blocking most of the bitterness and depression that the rest of us carry around. Or maybe her being pregnant means she can only process good news. I had this moment after she asked me that question where I was outside of my body looking down at myself and thinking, "So how's this asshole going to tell this very pregnant woman that if she gets swine flu, she'll probably lose the bastard child she's been wanting for the past 10 years and she's probably going to die"?

Needless to say, it got kind of awkward when I started telling her about how your body's immune system weakens when you're pregnant and the woman in the story can barely walk but has the will to fight to recover so she can have another baby someday. A long awkward pause was just staring me right in the face by the time I finished this story and her big brown cow eyes filled with this mix of worry and a "I'm gonna do something about this" determination. She grabbed the article out of my hand and went straight to the president of the company.

"Bob! Bob, we need to talk. I need a moment of your time! It's an emergency."

I sit right outside of Bob's office and I proceed to hear Sally try to convince him how he needs to force everyone on our floor get vaccinated for swine flu because she can't risk the health of her baby health blah, blah, blah. Mike, my coworker with a constant hard-on for everything Boston, is the complete opposite of what you might call a "team player".

He turns to me and says, "They can't make me get a shot. Fuck her and swine flu."

The fact that he even said a complete sentence to me is fucking shocking. This is the coworker that generally refuses to talk to me, nay, refuses to communicate to me, unless you count verbalizing a significantly higher ratio of grunts to words as interaction. But somehow he has no problem discussing last night’s game with someone else right in fucking front of me.

Again, I digress. All I was able to get say in response was "What", which just prompted another complete sentence. Yay, Christmas-ah-came early for me!

Mike: "I don't give a shit. I'm not getting a vaccine and if they try and make me, I'm going to tell them to go fuck themselves."

Me: "But she's pregnant and she is at risk. I hear they even have a spray that you inhale to get the vaccine if you're scared of needles."

Mike: "They can't fucking make me. It's illegal."

Literally the only reason he doesn't want to get the vaccine is because he likes being contrarian. I can't say that I'm fucking doing jazz hands at the thought of getting a vaccine and I don't like being forced to do something I don't like (thatswhatshesaid) but I'm also not a fucking heartless donkey.

I guess there really isn't an end to the story because Le'Battle of Le'Swine Flu is still raging but that's how my work is handling the news of a potential swine flu outbreak - trying to forcibly vaccinate people, in the hopes of mitigating the risks for pregnant woman. And of course, nothing like disease to highlight the cornerstone, defining characteristic of my work: degrading coworkers and the bonds of loyalty between us.

YAY!

Picture - http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/9333680/2/istockphoto_9333680-swine-flu-panic.jpg